i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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