I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you win again, gameday.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
