Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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