K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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