don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
