So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
