did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
