The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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