So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
