By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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