I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
