Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
