I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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