i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
