I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
