The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The adults are the big ones right?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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