I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
