Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
