ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
