I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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