i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
