the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
