PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
