i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
