I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
