I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
