My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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