I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
