Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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