Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
