I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
