That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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