I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
