i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
