Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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