I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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