There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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