her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
