I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
