Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
