I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
