i just had sex bonerless
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
