Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
