Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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