i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
