I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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