jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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