Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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