Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize