I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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