She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
