trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
