I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I am mentally ready for anal.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
