I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
