I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
