I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
