I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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