end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize