cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Operation Purity has been aborted
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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