the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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