so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
