I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
