Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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