What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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