while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
