I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
