Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
