Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
